That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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