hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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