Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
