Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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