Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
