while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She just used a chaser for red wine.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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