Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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