...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
