Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
