you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
