You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize