conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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