I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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