barbara walters just said penis...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
