I swear she didn't look like that last week.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
