He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
