What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
