Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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