Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You may now shotgun with the bride
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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