this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
