I'm jealous of your bromance
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
