I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
