first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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