Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
