In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
