Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
