I need to stop coming to work sober
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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