Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
