Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
