Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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