i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think my fart just growled at me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
