She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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