Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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