Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize