I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You are a genius and a whore.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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