So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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