Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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