I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
