she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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