Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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