i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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