he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It was like giving head to a cactus.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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