weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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