I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm too high and old for this...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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