I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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