fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She is in my trunk
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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