ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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