Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
