Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
