I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
