i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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