Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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