I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The Olympian is in my bed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
