I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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