you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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