i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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