my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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