She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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