my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Your penis caused this!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
