the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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