Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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