I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
