I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
