Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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