you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize