that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
