I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
