I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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