i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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