My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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