im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
