Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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