It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
